It's about that thing .....you know THAT thing
the once a year thing
that you end up grooming yourself better than you have in month:
clean shaven legs
every inch (especially the southern hemisphere) scrubbed
dressed in pretty panties so you can feel confident like the commercial says
a dab of lipstick and perfume for good measure
(people will think your doing something really Big and Important)
and all for the Annual Visit to the Gyno
as I refer to it
Yes its a responsible thing
It's the healthy thing
Take care of yourself thing.
but it is not the "Fun" thing------ No not at all
First I sign in at the desk and wait among the countless other victims that have willing signed up to get their wo-ha looked at and their girls felt up and squished.
(feel free to insert your own clean version of basic anatomy parts here)
A pretty 20 something girl in light pink scrubs calls out your name in such a sugary sweet voice that you could swear there is icing dripping of her lips
(Maybe that's just her latest collagen injection?)
She smiles and greet you with a "How are you today?", as she glides down the hallway decorated in French Chic decor.
I reply "Fine" which is code for " I can't wait to get a duck billed shaped piece of metal shoved up my crotch"
We enter the room and I am offered a seat in a plush antique white chair that is wide enough for Marie Antoinette and her double wide dress to fit nicely in.
Everything is French in here- the Fleur da le is everywhere on the walls
and the pictures are of innocent children playing in the streets of Paris.
The lighting is chandelier style and even the computer cords are covered in twill fabric .
20 something then tells me a nurse will be with me in a minute.
I guess she was just the Vanna White escort for the waiting room.
There is a small dressing room behind white washed saloon style doors containing a small porcelain sink and a bench.
Is it me or is anyone else here thinking BROTHEL?
The nurse comes in accompanied by a medical student. (oh double joy)
Nurse: Hey how are you?
Me : Fine (insert code)
Nurse: I see you didn't renew your hormone prescription but are still on the Lexapro. How is everything?
Me: "Um,,, well good except that I feel like crawling out of my own skin and everyone around me is being an *hole."
Exchange glances btw med student and nurse.
Nurse; " I see, well is there a reason you stopped the hormone?'
Me: "Yes except it makes me want to bludgeon people on a frequent basis"
Nurse: " Okay well I think we will run your hormones again and I think I have a few suggestions for you,
Me: " Great as long as they give me some energy, pick up the libido, and help me remember that I am happy"
Nurse: " Were medical professionals, not magicians. However I think testosterone will get you close."
1. I think everyone is an *hole
2. I want to hurt them and
3. Now I will have the strength to do it-
Sounds like a
Is that a Charlie Sheen echo I hear? "Winning, Duh?
Maybe He needs less testosterone.
So now on to the violation .
They hand me a fancy dinner napkin with a seersucker pattern on it and point to the Brothel doors.
Yes, we all know that we are barley covered in this situation but the older I get there is more to cover, so to say the least I am not feeling my most secure.
I lay on the table and am asked various questions of distraction as she gropes my breasts in a manner that based in another setting I might enjoy.
You know a setting like ---My own man in my own bedroom.
We are so far from that right now.
I notice the med student blushing-great.
Then I am asked to scoot down to the edge of the table.
A little more ............little bit more .... all the way to the edge please
Geez lady....your in my hula hoop
She proceeds to goop me up and use the lovely duck bill crank
and then with out fail she says
"Oh, I'm going to need the large please.' to the med student.
This happens to me every year. What the heck can't they mark my chart or something?
It would save me reinsertion and some humiliation.
I tell my husband this same story every year and
He always responds the same way " I know that's right."
As the mascara wand looking instrument impales my privates for the pap smear she says the inevitable:
See I told you it wasn't me - everyone is an *hole!!!