Failure to Love

Today I am just going to write.
I struggle with what to write or how I come across at times .
 But none of that has any truth or any positive bearing on what is real in my life.

I have a million funny stories about my kids that I should have blogged about right when they happened.
But I didn't so I will probably have a few retro funnies coming this way.

But today my soul is heavy.

Heavy with truth. And that can be painful.

The truth of the matter is I am growing indifferent to many things.

The other ugly truth is I am realizing that I have been asleep.

I am tired. Tired of Christianity  .... as I know it.

And yet for a long time I contributed to the program.

I want my family saved.
 I don't want God to be angry with me .
I want my children to go to heaven.

and my biggest struggle....

I do not want God to be disappointed  in me.

That hurts to even write.
 But it pains with  raw scraped clean truth.

I have long looked at my relationship with God as list.

Guilt and sorrow over a sin :  Check
Acknowledgement of my need for Him: Check
Confession:  Check
Plan to do better: Check

or this scenario

Tell kids how loved they are by God: Check
Pray with them: Check
Baptism and church:  Check

but list are made for finishing.

And I don't want to be finished with God.

This can't be all .
That list that comes back around with the mountains and valleys in life.

I have a lot of other ugly doubts, fears and finger pointing lurking in the chasm of my heart.

Ashamed of them
 but if I don't say they are there will I ever really be free of them?

And this is what I want to be FREE of it...the way I see it , the way I have made it

I want to know the Real God and his Real Love for me , not the way I made it

And while I may have bought into it as  that way  am I not  also guilty of Wanting it that way ?

Ouch!! Someone please hand me another band-aid.

Doing Doing Doing  because You Should Should Should

and I don't hate every minute of it .
 I want to  love on others and
I want to obey God
and I am 44 I should have this squared away by now for crying our loud shouldn't  I?

Ahhh... there is that stinkin' thinkin' that got me here in the first place.

Key phrase here "I" -
I should have it together
I should have
no doubts
no fears
I should
show God I got this.
       
Oh  my....
I should shut up now.

At this point I don't know if I should laugh hysterically
or shudder and duck for cover.

Either way this lets me know I "don't got this"
and I nor anyone else ever will or can

not without

HIM.

Not church, Not religion, Not good works

HIM

Early in my parenting I struggled with being the godly mother who has godly children.
I was a bi-polar spiritual maniac of a woman.

Always wanting to do it all right , never giving myself time
or grace
or space.

Just stuffing it all down and then vomiting it all up--
all over the very ones I love the most
and spewing anything but the Tender Love of Jesus.

During these disappointing and depressing times in myself.
I came to know a fact.
I have love that fails.


 But this raw truth came as sweet  relief to me
Because I was tired ... oh so worn

It came on clear that :

No I cant love unfailingly.
I try
I study to
I want to
but I can't

Now you may be thinking " Well , isn't this the - feel good- thought of the year"

I mean how sad is it for a mother to need help to love her children?
To be kind and sacrificial?
What kind of sick mama is that?
and to those thoughts I say
"Hit the road Satan"

That mentality of "No one loves them like I do" is false and controlling.

GOD loves them more than we ever could
and we are not  to be everything to them.

 He is..

He just loves us more than anyone else ever can so He gave us the privilege to love His children with Him.

Let's say that out loud:

God loves me more than anyone else ever can and He gave me the privilege of loving and caring for His  children.


this truth released a reality in me that changed things for me.

UNFAILING LOVE IS ONLY FROM GOD

everytime the phrase "unfailing love" is used in the Bible it is attached to God's name  or attributed to His actions.

So here comes the epiphany:

If I have imperfect failing love
and
He has perfect, unfailing love

Then why don't I ask to love like He loves?

I'm cocking my head to the side as I recall this moment
still doing the "Aaaha"" moment
because I forget.

So because of my SSM (short spiritual memory)
let's review:

My Surrendered Love + His Amazing Love= The Living Love

The living of His  love to and through me.

Get honest:

I can't do it Lord.
The fact is sometimes I struggle to believe You love me.

 I  look at myself and I think " I'm not loving that "
 Heck, I wish I could go on vacation from myself sometimes

Get help:

But your ways are not my ways and your thoughts are not my thoughts.
(Exhale.........panic averted.)

Get Healed:

So I ask you God, the giver of all good gifts,
 please love me and let me love others
especially those you have entrusted me with,
as You and only You do.

and this list has no end because just like the shampoo bottle suggest:

you will rinse out (sometimes through tears)
and repeat.

May your memory be strong to remember when you are weary
and your pain be profitable as He unfailing loves us.



                        

We made it through December ( Is that a song title?)
In one family unit no less.

It was so good to have Happy Mouth home.
I have really missed her but it has been good for both of us.
I have not been faithful to keep up with writing and I really miss it .

I have go to figure out how to make some retro post from all
the loving funny we have around here.

Christmas was low key with visits from both sides of the family.
Family is always really good at offending offering you their "best" advice?
Ever notice that?
They mean well because obviously we need their well intended  leading off of the
 "your heart-is-in-the-right-place-but -no-well-thought-out-plan" that we are on.

Take the private school issue for instance.
We get the usual comments about

"I went to public school- you went to public school- it was good enough"
(I don't remember saying it wasn't.)
or the ever favorite of
"Everyone there is rich , what do you think she will have in common with them?"
and
"What about the other kids , they didn't go to private school."

"Are you going to be able to provide the same for the younger ones?"

and
BLAH

BLAH

BLAH.

Umm.. does anyone notice that we are in our 40's?
And do you not think we havenot thought this through,
prayed about it,
run -  the - math-(like 70 times)?

We knew it was a chunk and we knew we had to have everyone on board.
The girls have to take on more housework and meal planning now that I am working.

Mr. Rodgers is rearranging time to get people where they need to be
and Rollercoaster is thriving . I mean loving it.
So much so that she shall be renamed according to her new personality
 (yeah the hormone levels have flatlined!!!)

She shall be known henceforth as Laid Back Jane. (Jane) for short.

We didn't move her necessarily because our school was dangerous,
or she was bullied or that our district was academically failing.

I never thought I would have a child in private school.
Too much money, too snotty, too restrictive.
Yes ,I had those lovely stereotypical thoughts.

We looked into it and made the decision because of one reason:
                                        she asked .

Her words were:

"I'm just over high school, I don't care who is dating who, who is mad at who. I don't see the point in all the social boundaries and gossip.  I want to figure out where my life is going and be around other people who are interested in the same. Can we please start looking for other options?"

This type of declaration will make a mama look up from the brownie batter and take notice.

So we shopped around and found a good fit.
 As a sophomore she had 3 visits with the college counselor in the first semester. She made a 100 on her first AP European History all essay test and has written for the school newspaper.
Yeah I think I'm starting to get my money's worth.

And the best thing is she loves it: Loves the learning, the challenge, the atmosphere.

This is not to start a public vs. private debate.

Happy Mouth graduated form public school and Forrest is currently attending a public middle school.
Both have done well and we are happy.

Rollercoaster  Laid Back Jane has always been an old soul.
 Full of empathy. kindness and direction.
 I wish I had the focus and decision making abilities she does.

 She is 16 and could pass for 30 on the maturity scale and yet she still possesses a child like playfulness.
Like when she tries to headlock her dad or she is fangirling (that's a thing) about 1 direction.

Every dime I make goes to her school.
 I am blessed to be able to work, to have this job and to give her the option.
 I am blessed to be Laid Back Jane's mama.
 
We don't know what the future holds.
We evaluate and pray for direction in each situation as we face each new year.
We could make a mistake (hello I am human) but we count on God to care for us and each other to work through it all.
A little support and trust would  be welcome.

But if  it comes or not I have learned  two things:

1. Unless it is  heroine or murder it is best not to guide others on a family decision unless asked.
2. Cookie Cutter families are boring-and we will have none of that!