Today I am just going to write.
I struggle with what to write or how I come across at times .
But none of that has any truth or any positive bearing on what is real in my life.
I have a million funny stories about my kids that I should have blogged about right when they happened.
But I didn't so I will probably have a few retro funnies coming this way.
But today my soul is heavy.
Heavy with truth. And that can be painful.
The truth of the matter is I am growing indifferent to many things.
The other ugly truth is I am realizing that I have been asleep.
I am tired. Tired of Christianity .... as I know it.
And yet for a long time I contributed to the program.
I want my family saved.
I don't want God to be angry with me .
I want my children to go to heaven.
and my biggest struggle....
I do not want God to be disappointed in me.
That hurts to even write.
But it pains with raw scraped clean truth.
I have long looked at my relationship with God as list.
Guilt and sorrow over a sin : Check
Acknowledgement of my need for Him: Check
Plan to do better: Check
or this scenario
Tell kids how loved they are by God: Check
Pray with them: Check
Baptism and church: Check
but list are made for finishing.
And I don't want to be finished with God.
This can't be all .
That list that comes back around with the mountains and valleys in life.
I have a lot of other ugly doubts, fears and finger pointing lurking in the chasm of my heart.
Ashamed of them
but if I don't say they are there will I ever really be free of them?
And this is what I want to be FREE of it...the way I see it , the way I have made it
I want to know the Real God and his Real Love for me , not the way I made it
And while I may have bought into it as that way am I not also guilty of Wanting it that way ?
Ouch!! Someone please hand me another band-aid.
Doing Doing Doing because You Should Should Should
and I don't hate every minute of it .
I want to love on others and
I want to obey God
and I am 44 I should have this squared away by now for crying our loud shouldn't I?
Ahhh... there is that stinkin' thinkin' that got me here in the first place.
Key phrase here "I" -
I should have it together
I should have
show God I got this.
I should shut up now.
At this point I don't know if I should laugh hysterically
or shudder and duck for cover.
Either way this lets me know I "don't got this"
and I nor anyone else ever will or can
Not church, Not religion, Not good works
Early in my parenting I struggled with being the godly mother who has godly children.
I was a bi-polar spiritual maniac of a woman.
Always wanting to do it all right , never giving myself time
Just stuffing it all down and then vomiting it all up--
all over the very ones I love the most
and spewing anything but the Tender Love of Jesus.
During these disappointing and depressing times in myself.
I came to know a fact.
I have love that fails.
But this raw truth came as sweet relief to me
Because I was tired ... oh so worn
It came on clear that :
No I cant love unfailingly.
I study to
I want to
but I can't
Now you may be thinking " Well , isn't this the - feel good- thought of the year"
I mean how sad is it for a mother to need help to love her children?
To be kind and sacrificial?
What kind of sick mama is that?
and to those thoughts I say
"Hit the road Satan"
That mentality of "No one loves them like I do" is false and controlling.
GOD loves them more than we ever could
and we are not to be everything to them.
He just loves us more than anyone else ever can so He gave us the privilege to love His children with Him.
Let's say that out loud:
God loves me more than anyone else ever can and He gave me the privilege of loving and caring for His children.
this truth released a reality in me that changed things for me.
UNFAILING LOVE IS ONLY FROM GOD
everytime the phrase "unfailing love" is used in the Bible it is attached to God's name or attributed to His actions.
So here comes the epiphany:
If I have imperfect failing love
He has perfect, unfailing love
Then why don't I ask to love like He loves?
I'm cocking my head to the side as I recall this moment
still doing the "Aaaha"" moment
because I forget.
So because of my SSM (short spiritual memory)
My Surrendered Love + His Amazing Love= The Living Love
The living of His love to and through me.
I can't do it Lord.
The fact is sometimes I struggle to believe You love me.
I look at myself and I think " I'm not loving that "
Heck, I wish I could go on vacation from myself sometimes
But your ways are not my ways and your thoughts are not my thoughts.
So I ask you God, the giver of all good gifts,
please love me and let me love others
especially those you have entrusted me with,
as You and only You do.
and this list has no end because just like the shampoo bottle suggest:
you will rinse out (sometimes through tears)
May your memory be strong to remember when you are weary
and your pain be profitable as He unfailing loves us.