Failure to Love

Today I am just going to write.
I struggle with what to write or how I come across at times .
 But none of that has any truth or any positive bearing on what is real in my life.

I have a million funny stories about my kids that I should have blogged about right when they happened.
But I didn't so I will probably have a few retro funnies coming this way.

But today my soul is heavy.

Heavy with truth. And that can be painful.

The truth of the matter is I am growing indifferent to many things.

The other ugly truth is I am realizing that I have been asleep.

I am tired. Tired of Christianity  .... as I know it.

And yet for a long time I contributed to the program.

I want my family saved.
 I don't want God to be angry with me .
I want my children to go to heaven.

and my biggest struggle....

I do not want God to be disappointed  in me.

That hurts to even write.
 But it pains with  raw scraped clean truth.

I have long looked at my relationship with God as list.

Guilt and sorrow over a sin :  Check
Acknowledgement of my need for Him: Check
Confession:  Check
Plan to do better: Check

or this scenario

Tell kids how loved they are by God: Check
Pray with them: Check
Baptism and church:  Check

but list are made for finishing.

And I don't want to be finished with God.

This can't be all .
That list that comes back around with the mountains and valleys in life.

I have a lot of other ugly doubts, fears and finger pointing lurking in the chasm of my heart.

Ashamed of them
 but if I don't say they are there will I ever really be free of them?

And this is what I want to be FREE of it...the way I see it , the way I have made it

I want to know the Real God and his Real Love for me , not the way I made it

And while I may have bought into it as  that way  am I not  also guilty of Wanting it that way ?

Ouch!! Someone please hand me another band-aid.

Doing Doing Doing  because You Should Should Should

and I don't hate every minute of it .
 I want to  love on others and
I want to obey God
and I am 44 I should have this squared away by now for crying our loud shouldn't  I?

Ahhh... there is that stinkin' thinkin' that got me here in the first place.

Key phrase here "I" -
I should have it together
I should have
no doubts
no fears
I should
show God I got this.
       
Oh  my....
I should shut up now.

At this point I don't know if I should laugh hysterically
or shudder and duck for cover.

Either way this lets me know I "don't got this"
and I nor anyone else ever will or can

not without

HIM.

Not church, Not religion, Not good works

HIM

Early in my parenting I struggled with being the godly mother who has godly children.
I was a bi-polar spiritual maniac of a woman.

Always wanting to do it all right , never giving myself time
or grace
or space.

Just stuffing it all down and then vomiting it all up--
all over the very ones I love the most
and spewing anything but the Tender Love of Jesus.

During these disappointing and depressing times in myself.
I came to know a fact.
I have love that fails.


 But this raw truth came as sweet  relief to me
Because I was tired ... oh so worn

It came on clear that :

No I cant love unfailingly.
I try
I study to
I want to
but I can't

Now you may be thinking " Well , isn't this the - feel good- thought of the year"

I mean how sad is it for a mother to need help to love her children?
To be kind and sacrificial?
What kind of sick mama is that?
and to those thoughts I say
"Hit the road Satan"

That mentality of "No one loves them like I do" is false and controlling.

GOD loves them more than we ever could
and we are not  to be everything to them.

 He is..

He just loves us more than anyone else ever can so He gave us the privilege to love His children with Him.

Let's say that out loud:

God loves me more than anyone else ever can and He gave me the privilege of loving and caring for His  children.


this truth released a reality in me that changed things for me.

UNFAILING LOVE IS ONLY FROM GOD

everytime the phrase "unfailing love" is used in the Bible it is attached to God's name  or attributed to His actions.

So here comes the epiphany:

If I have imperfect failing love
and
He has perfect, unfailing love

Then why don't I ask to love like He loves?

I'm cocking my head to the side as I recall this moment
still doing the "Aaaha"" moment
because I forget.

So because of my SSM (short spiritual memory)
let's review:

My Surrendered Love + His Amazing Love= The Living Love

The living of His  love to and through me.

Get honest:

I can't do it Lord.
The fact is sometimes I struggle to believe You love me.

 I  look at myself and I think " I'm not loving that "
 Heck, I wish I could go on vacation from myself sometimes

Get help:

But your ways are not my ways and your thoughts are not my thoughts.
(Exhale.........panic averted.)

Get Healed:

So I ask you God, the giver of all good gifts,
 please love me and let me love others
especially those you have entrusted me with,
as You and only You do.

and this list has no end because just like the shampoo bottle suggest:

you will rinse out (sometimes through tears)
and repeat.

May your memory be strong to remember when you are weary
and your pain be profitable as He unfailing loves us.



                        

Easter Hopes

He Is Risen!!!

I hope everyone had a wonderful Easter.
 My tribe  was especially blessed because we were able to see my best friend Mamaricecake 's son be baptized
 It was awesome.

Now my family has a long history of church stories.
They are not really what you are thinking. 
Some of you may be picturing angelic children
 holding the hands of the wisest elders in Holy union
as they make a joyous noise unto the Lord that caused  the Host of Heaven to weep.

Think again my friends.             Think again

My family history of unexpected , inappropriate yet hilarious moments is 4 generations strong.

The earliest one I can remember is of my great grandmother
 called Ma Ruth, my Nana, my mother and her siblings
 arriving to church late and literally busting open the door.
 Needless to say a few heads turned and
alas the only seating was in the front two rows.

Ultra convenient.

As if that wasn't enough ,my mother lost her earring
 in the pew bringing fits of laughter to her  cousin and sister .
Ma Ruth not so much.

There was as much shoulder shaking from holding in laughter as their were thigh pinches and stern looks.

There have been other incidents.
A small fire incident on Christmas Eve,
a child imitating the song leader
and a thunderous break of wind from Ma Ruth herself.

My all time favorite though has to be when we were
 visiting my mother's church in Houston.
 They normally have a children's sermon
where the children are gathered up front with the pastor to hear a short story.

When they called for the children up front
Mom and I both thought it was for the children's sermon.

As the children approached the alter
they were placed by height into 3 neat rows.

"That's different" my mom said.
 I just shrugged my shoulders and waved at my beauties!

Then the music minister stands up and starts directing the singing.

What  singing you ask?

The singing coming from all the children on stage!!!!

My mom and I freeze
and slowly look at each other as the uncommon rehearsed song pours out of the children's mouths.

My kids are puppy dogged eyed and mortified.

My mom and I can not stop laughing.

The song goes on Rollercoaster looks like she could melt into a puddle as quick as the wicked witch of the west . 

Happy Mouth is moving her lips and I think she is singing "Watermelon, watermelon, Jesus, watermelon."

Oh my gosh I now have tears pouring down my face!!
I can not look at my mom.

I can hear her trying not to laugh and she is sniveling like hyena with bronchitis.

People  are now starting to notice-
not my kids
but us.

We are so obnoxious at this point
that I am sure that the "I-got -it-together " informed parents are just flat pissed off.

About the time we calm down it gets better........

M poor babies, only age 6 and 4 ,
are at a total loss
 when the microphone gets passed to them!!!!!
 
I kid you not.
 They start passing the microphone down the row and each child says a part

I have now wet my pants and owe the church a pew cleaning.

Rollercoaster is handed the microphone.

She looks at it , looks  at me and shakes her head in a
"NO WAY TODAY " fashion.

She passes it on.

This only infects my mother with more uncontrollable hysterics.

Finally it is  Happy Mouth's turn--and she delivers-

Not only does she take the microphone but she sings-- LOUDLY

"Jesus, watermelon, Jesus, I love you, watermelon."

I can no longer see, my eyes simply won't open.

Someone eventually has to pull the microphone out of her hand!!!

The pint size choir finishes
and we are shot a look from Rollercoaster that is undeniably a death threat.

Oh my !! My abs are hurting from laughter just recalling that story.

But this Easter I added my own episode to the mix

Let me set the stage:  We were sitting in the balcony, slanted stadium style seating

As we were praising ,
I had my eyes closed and my hand lifted.

I must have moved forward without knowing
it because my right foot fell into
the gap between my flooring and the pew in front of me,.

I was so startled that I  let out  a "yelp".

 Nice high pitch "yelp"
Heads turned.


Thank goodness I didn't fall
thanks to the quick reflexes of Mr. Rodgers.
He grabbed my other arm just in time.

As I turn back to him he has this look on his face like

"What are you doing?"

I have seen this look before

Many, many times.
Many , many , many times......

It got me so tickled that I had to turn away.

Rollercoaster and Happy mouth are now staring at me.
Happy Mouth cracks a smile and tries to keep on singing.

Rollercoaster is just disgusted.

She has a look on her face that reminds me of a looney tunes character.

Sylvester the cat, the one always after tweety bird,
has a son who is vehemently ashamed of him and just wants to know
"Why oh why cant he be like other fathers?"

This is the look Rollercoaster is giving me.

She is thinking:
 "Why , oh why must every 11 seconds of my life be filled with the embarrassing truth that you are my mother?"

This only makes me laugh harder.

I can not sing,
I can not breathe
I can only scoot to the end of pew and run for the ladies room.

Waterless Days

 Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!!

Everyone is in the mood to be thankful,
to remember all they have been blessed with
 and all that God has done for them, especially this past year.

We all think of the basics:
 family,   friends,   jobs,
homes,  food on the table,
clean water to drink,
access to medical care,
freedom..........
and on  and on.

And then it is as if Friday brings out the dark beasts
 of complaining,
short sightedness,
greed and negativism
that we allow the other 364 days of the year.

Know wonder they call it Black Friday!!!

But here is what God has laid on my heart  :

The Water Challenge.

We as a family are involved in providing wells in Tanzania.(www.digdeepgivewell.com)

Happy Mouth recently went to Africa
this summer to help provide a well in the village of Ndevesi .
Don't bother trying to find it on google earth
 it doesn't show up!!-now that's "remote" !!

And yes I need to blog and provide more pictures (senior year is killing me!!)
So here it is the challenge and I hope you will join me:

• Everyday I will be blogging on water.
• I have listed everyday things that we do with water.
• Each day I will and challenge you to give up one aspect of water and

DO WITHOUT.

This will continue until Christmas Day
 and for extra measure of compassion
 I have thrown in a complete water fast day on the 15th of December.
(click on the link for instructions)

The challenge will start on Sunday November 27th  and end on Christmas day- 

30 waterless days

I hope you will join me

I realize I have 3 followers but if you ll re post

 then together we can bring more awareness

of Africa's water crisis and cultivate of  attitude of gratefulness

 instead of taking for granted the basic blessings of God,

 that here in America and other developed countries we have everyday.

Tomorrow I will post the "ways of water" 

(all the ways we use it)

and challenge you to pick a different one everyday to give up.

 And please let me know what you did and how it went!!!

Until then- enjoy your Thanksgiving ,

 undoubtedly made with water, and

celebrate the enormously costly gift of Living Water through Jesus!!

33 minutes

After my water broke and nothing happened for 14 hours it was decided that pitocin would be used.



But not until I got hooked up for the epidural (yeah!!). I had a HMO and at the time the anesthesiologist came in and prepared your line to your spine and then would attach the Demerol through a tube later when needed.

My anesthesiologist was a man with only 3 fingers on his left hand- NO LIE
I have nothing against anyone who has a amputation I just didn't expect to see one at this moment.
As I cradle myself into the fetal position as much as my belly will allow I hear him say "relax it is very important that you don't move"

I am now trying to imagine just how I will tend to my child as a paralyzed woman.
Mr. Rogers was watching Seinfeld. He assured me it was fine the three fingers acted as a slide for insertion of the line. 3 fingers laughed at that one.


I would have smacked him except that I was trying NOT to be paralyzed.
Anyway next came the nurse with pitocin. A drip added to the IV no big deal.


Because of my slow to no progress -(1 1/2 cm) Mr. Rogers was in and out greeting people in the waiting area.

Everything took so long that my parents actually flew in form Texas and had driven to the hospital before any real progress was made.

After about 30 minutes I start to feel all "crampy " and stuff in my low back. Over the next 10 minutes it gets worse
I ask Mr. Rogers if he will get a nurse to check for me. He shrugs a bit thinking this is a unnecessary step and says "Okay I will tell her on my way to the lobby, my mom brought me Sonny's BBQ."

I smile realizing he is out of my grasp and say "Enjoy"
Yea buddy enjoy Ill just take another round of ice chips


The nurse comes directly in and asks how I'm doing.
"Okay" I say" I was wondering if maybe it is time for the epidural medicine."

She smiles and says let me check first.
After snapping on a pair of rubber gloves she checks on my progress.
Her eyes get as big as silver dollars.

"Have you pushed at all yet?' she firmly asks
"No, am I supposed to?"

"No do not push just hang on. You are now at 8 1/2 cm but please resist the urge to push.
Okay I think and them remember my birth class and realize 81/2 is too late for an epidural.

I am now in pain and panic.

But before I can truly react an alarm i going off on the baby's monitor, the nurse is buzzing some code on the intercom and random people are coming into the room.
I ask for my husband and in 30 seconds he is flying down the hallway and standing at my head by the nurses command.

I glance towards the baby's heart monitor
It is dropping.....60.....53......44.......32......
My BP monitor is rising.....124......167.........................178.....

The lights are now dimmed and a doctor , not my doctor comes in with a team of specialist and a baby incubator.

My bed is now raised and I am almost sitting.

My head is spinning.
 I start to vomit.

Mr. Rogers is holding a cup for me to throw up in.
2 nurses climb onto my bed one on each side and lock arms.
They are push/massaging my stomach to move the baby down.


I hear no cry.

The doctor who is such a tiny woman I swear she could just crawl inside me and get the baby utters the words;

"The cord its wrapped twice"" then
"Suction, set Apgar 1"


Okay I am way dazed by this wave of violence that has just taken place but even catch the Apgar score .

One? That is like one a way form zero, which is.........


The baby is placed in an open incubator next to me while no less than 5 people works on her.

At this point Mr. Rogers is literally cupping my face and turning my head to him. He will not allow me to look.

I finally utter a cry "Why won't she cry"
I am scared to hear the answer.


A wonderful voice starts talking to me and letting me know all that is going on
:she has a tube down her throat so she will not be able to make a cry"
"she is breathing but not on her own yet."


A relax a bit and Mr. Rogers releases his grip.
I reach over to touch a finger. She is so white and so blue

I hear Apgar 7
7 yea 7 is good.

I am crying now and shaking uncontrollably.
My legs feel as if they could fall off and my nether region is on fire .

They tell me she is regaining color, that her vitals are stabilizing and they will be taking her to NICU.


They motion for Mr. Rogers and he follows.
I don't let go of his hands I beg him to stay with me.

"Ive gotta go with her , and see what needs to be done"

Of course he has to go with Happy Mouth. He has a heavy load on him right now,

there could be decisions to make ,

and diagnoses to hear and maybe even bad news to tell.

I release him and I am caught up in the shame of my selfishness


From the time the nurse came in to check on me until she was born was

33 minutes.

A picture worth 1,000 words of comfort and joy

This picture is from the all girls orphanages in Tanzania .

My sweet Happy Mouth is in the middle .

This is a sweet loving picture for many reasons.

I am so glad they are there holding, loving those who long for it.

These sweet children have very little and what they did have , their parents

were taken from them.

Yet look at their faces

Smiling , Playful, Tender

Look closely at Happy Mouth (blue dress, brown braid) she

has a pair of little hands at the bottom of her braid!!

Twirling her hair. All you can see is the hands just playing with her hair.

It is so sweet.

She has a child balanced on each leg and one playing with her hair!!

But I see more...

and forgive me if it is selfish

I see my baby

Smiling

Happy

I see her and I miss her

but

I see her content

I see her joyful

and my fears

and my worries

melt away

and my prayers

are

not in vain.

God has been so faithful through

out the whole Africa adventure

and I keep praying for Him

to spiritually prepare her

for all that she will do

see and experience

and for all that He has for her.

That smile

is

God

at

work!

The End

Okay  so it has been more than a day.

  Here is the thing about crisis, mishaps, and well even blogging: While they are happening  everything else keeps on going.

I mean it is not like your dirty laundry went on strike to give you a break, or your family decided to fast so you could skip making dinner.

No it all keeps rolling on, and as much as I wanted to finish this story the next day,
 I had to do those things I NEEDED to do instead of the things I WANTED to do.
In light of this revelation I will be doing something new but first on to the end.

Beginnings are great and endings can be sad but for this trip  the end was welcome.

The ticket "incident" , as we are referring to now, was interesting.
 Apparently the officer who pulled me over had tracked me several miles back doing 78 in a 60.
 He was out of his vehicle and waving and pointing at me to pull over.  He asked if I had seen him doing that.

"Yes," I said "I saw you flapping your arms back there and pointing, but I didn't know it was meant for me.'
Officer:  "What did you think it was for? "

Me:  "I don't know I just thought you wanted everyone over in the right hand lane"

Officer:  "Where are you headed?"

Me:  "Home, thank God. We have had the worst trip with 2 sets of car trouble"

Officer :" I tracked you at 78 in a 60 and you failed to pull over when I signaled you"

Me: " Okay, well I have never been pulled over from the front before I guess that is how long ago I got a ticket so I didn't know what you were doing"  (honest but not the best choice)

Officer:  "This ticket will be at least $250 when your over 15 miles above the speed limit"

Me; (deep breathe here)  "Great , oh course it will , why wouldn't it be?
 This has already been the trip from Hell so lets just top it off.
 Here is my registration and license"

Officer (now staring and peeking in the back seat to see Happy Mouth and Rollercoaster with their mouths ajar)  "Th-Th-Thanks I'll be right back" 
Off he goes to run my plates

I  now burst in to tears because the pressure is just too much.
 I can't run a mile,
 I can't drink a glass of wine,
I have no other release here.

He has seen this look on a woman before . 
The teeter totter of emotions.

That" I- could -snap -at-any- moment look."

I bet he was thinking  "I bet this lady is crazy enough to come back here and protest this and make my life a train wreck."


Officer:  "Mrs. Hill , your record is clean and it sounds like you have had a heck of a trip, so  I am just going to give you a warning and hope you have a safe trip back. We are out in record numbers today, so watch your speed."  
He hands me the papers back from a safe distance.

Me: "Oh ,thank you.  I will.''

I really need to thank the woman in his life.

Thank you Willie

So we are finally, in the words of Willie Nelson  "On the Road Again"

 Except I don't remember any lyrics about a $398 alternator  and a $200 tow?

Oh well,  this is the post where I need to give some  "shout outs"

First   to Diane and Terry from the Big "O" *Shell gas station  for all their kindness to us.  They not only provided us with a reliable mechanic and towing service on  a Sunday  but also transported our crew to the next exit (11 miles away) to a hotel and food

You are forever on my Christmas Card List

Next our towing service County Line Towing , specifically Danny Settles.
We hope you enjoy the snapper, it was our pleasure to provide you fresh caught  Gulf Seafood

Our mechanic Tim, who had that "Honda" piece imported all the way from Valdosta, Ga.  Your efficiency was much appreciated!!

Dalisa from the Best Western in Madison.  I hope the review you received form us promotes you!! You were so helpful as we were carless!!! (not a typo  car-less)

and last but not least to
 Teresa Jinright Rusell, owner  of Dream , and my friend who helped arrange a "package" deal to Universal Studios that we thought was only for the rich .
 Thanks for moving our dates by one day and handling all  the madness we could dish out!!!!!

God had extra love in store for us in the smallest of ways and the greatest of days.

Madison County-Small town USA

The car is shaking now
My stomach is doing flip flops
and our wallet is growing thinner than Kate Moss in her cocaine days.

Happy Mouth, Rollercoaster and Forrest are oblivious to any trouble thanks to all the Apple products physically adhered to their ears. We head down an exit ramp with only a light green sign with an outline of Florida with the number 23 in the middle.
I don't even think they make that shade of green for road signs anymore.

We S-L-O-W-L-Y   go down the exit    
and down
and down
and down  it is like we are descending into hades.

There are no signs for food, gas or lodging.
There are no signs that label a town or street.
Just kudzu suffocating everything it touches ,
winding up and completely covering pines, electric poles and wires and half of the overpass.

Mr. Rogers looks right    -nothing
I look left- nothing......but wait  a small speck of yellow

"Turn right" I shout because the car is on its last leg     Left we go and pull up to a lone gas station  forgotten by time.

Well .... it is civilization  right?

Okay so I will comment on the bit of obvious  "Welcome to the Big "O"'s.      I wish.

Mr. Rogers walks in spills our tale of whoa and is greeted by Diane who immediately
nods her poofy white curls and offers my husband some pecans.

Now you may think at this point that the banjo music should start playing

But I love small towns.
 I live in one. 
I like to visit them and I love meeting people in them.

Diane then reassures my husband that
 Danny will be more than happy to  "Come right on over and take a right look at that vehicle you got, I call him myself"

Within 8 minutes Danny has arrived, half the town knows we are there, my girls have been offered homemade pralines and Terry, Diane's husband, has been put on alert in case "them folks might be needin' a ride some where."

I love small towns.
Jesus was born in one, raised in another and loved everyone He traveled to.

And I am pretty sure He was in this one today.

Sweet Embrace

"Mom, we're okay-but we were in a car wreck"

Words that will stop you on a dime. 
They were uttered to me over the phone by Rollercoaster about 10 after 3. 

My eyes got wide and my heart beat faster but I was grateful that I was  listening to her voice and not that of a police officer.

"Where are you?" I managed to say.
 "Hwy 31-- just past Stockton road"

"I am on my way"  I click the receiver , stand up moving quickly and tell Forrest "Get your shoes your sisters have been in a car wreck"

She immediately goes into automatic pilot.
She grabs shoes, yells at the dog to "get in the house"
I put on a pair of flip flops that I realize later have pink zebras on them and are a size too small.

We race to the car and head to the accident scene, which is 9 miles away

9 long miles.

 As soon as we pass the bridge I ask Forrest to call Mr. Rogers and let him know.(Have to get out of AT&T dead zones first)
She obeys, relays info and tells him that "Yeah mom is good, she is breathing:"

Forrest and I randomly  pour out praise to God for His protection and pray for any and all involved.

I see the lights now and pull up to see both Happy Mouth and  Rollercoaster both standing with the officer.

There are 2 other cars and everyone seems to be in good condition,

I park next to a row of mailboxes  and walk to the girls.

A sweeter embrace I have never known