Violation Day

Okay so here is a estrogen dripping post today.



It's about that thing .....you know THAT thing
the once a year thing


that you end up grooming yourself better than you have in month:

clean shaven legs

every inch (especially the southern hemisphere) scrubbed

dressed in pretty panties so you can feel confident like the commercial says

a dab of lipstick and perfume for good measure
(people will think your doing something really Big and Important)

and all for the Annual Visit to the Gyno

or

as I refer to it

"Violation Day"

Yes its a responsible thing
It's the healthy thing
Take care of yourself thing.

but it is not the "Fun" thing------ No not at all


First I sign in at the desk and wait among the countless other victims that have willing signed up to get their wo-ha looked at and their girls felt up and squished.
                (feel free to insert your own clean version of basic anatomy parts here)

A pretty 20 something girl in light pink scrubs calls out your name in such a sugary sweet voice that you could swear there is icing dripping of her lips
 (Maybe that's just her latest collagen injection?)

She smiles and greet you with a "How are you today?", as she glides down the hallway decorated in French Chic decor.
I reply "Fine" which is code for " I can't wait to get a duck billed shaped piece of metal shoved up my crotch"


We enter the room and I am offered a seat in a plush antique white chair that is wide enough for Marie Antoinette and her double wide dress to fit nicely in.

Everything is French in here- the Fleur da le is everywhere on the walls
 and the pictures are of innocent children playing in the streets of Paris.

 The lighting is chandelier style and even the computer cords are covered in twill fabric .

20 something then tells me a nurse will be with me in a minute.
I guess she was just the Vanna White escort for the waiting room.

There is a small dressing room behind white washed saloon style doors containing a small porcelain sink and a bench.
Is it me or is anyone else here thinking BROTHEL?


The nurse comes in accompanied by a medical student. (oh double joy)

Nurse:   Hey how are you?

Me   : Fine (insert code)

Nurse:   I see you didn't renew your hormone prescription but are still on the Lexapro. How is everything?

BIG PAUSE

Me:    "Um,,, well good except that I feel like crawling out of my own skin and everyone around me is being an  *hole."

Exchange glances btw med student and nurse.


Nurse;   " I see, well is there a reason you stopped the hormone?'

Me:   "Yes except it makes me want to bludgeon people on a frequent basis"

Nurse:  " Okay well I think we will run your hormones again and I think I have a few suggestions for you,

Me:   " Great as long as they give me some energy, pick up the libido, and help me remember that I am happy"

Nurse:  " Were medical professionals, not magicians. However I think testosterone will get you close."

Great !
1. I think everyone is an *hole
2. I want to hurt them and
3. Now I will have the strength to do it-

Sounds like a

WIN-WIN-WIN here

Is that a Charlie Sheen echo I hear? "Winning, Duh?
 Maybe He needs less testosterone.

So now on to the violation .

They hand me a fancy dinner napkin with a seersucker pattern on it and point to the Brothel doors.

Yes, we all know that we are barley covered in this situation  but the older I get there is more to cover, so to say the least I am not feeling my most secure.


I lay on the table and am asked various questions of distraction as she gropes my breasts in a manner that based in another setting I might enjoy.

You know a setting like ---My own man in my own bedroom.

We are so far from that right now.

I notice the med student blushing-great.

Then I am asked to scoot down to the edge of the table.

A little more ............little bit more .... all the way to the edge please

Geez lady....your in my hula hoop


She proceeds to goop me up and use the lovely duck bill crank
 and then with out fail she says

"Oh, I'm going to need the large please.' to the med student.

This happens to me every year. What the heck can't they mark my chart or something?
It would save me reinsertion and some humiliation.

I tell my husband this same story every year and
He always responds the same way " I know that's right."

As the mascara wand looking instrument impales my privates for the pap smear she says the inevitable:


"Relax"


See I told you it wasn't me - everyone is an  *hole!!!

I am Blog Hopping

Please know I am so not tech savvy  and I hope this works:

Countdown

The number of days until Africa-

and only 18 hours on the flight to read .


Anyone see a pattern here?

Africa -17 Days away

Well  Wed has come and gone  and I have done one project
A pitiful one........
I spray painted 3 candle holders form the dollar store .
That's it
My BIG  think off the I Want To List
Blah  
I have 5 more steps to go before the project is finished. 
Hey Rome wasn't built in a day!!

I have too much going on  and its good things!!

I spent Thursday  with Happy Mouth and preparing for Africa.

She has a beautiful hot pink trunk


filled with all things Africa!!

Baby wipes (for the only form of "shower" she can take)
2 packs of Wmart panties (they will go down the "hole"-not making the trip back)
Flashlight and extra batteries
Sleeping bag (deluxe sleeping accommodations in the tent)
Hand sanitizer (aka hand wash)
Bible (travel size to leave with the village)
Journal (So she can record all the adventure)
4 long dresses (respectable cultural dress)
Passport necklace (so she doesn't SET IT DOWN ANYWHERE)
Shock proof, water proof camera (in other words Happy Mouth Proof!!)
A international travel text plan (for the 2-5 days she will actually be in a service area)

That's is what is in her trunk

This is what is in her heart:

Passion (to go where God calls her)

Excitement (for all things new)

Adventure ("I will drink the blood clot -it is supposed to be good luck")
 Insert a horrific look on my face here.
and most importantly

Hope (void of all fear)

I think she will be fine.


I on the other hand  am accepting all tequila donations.

The Want to List

MY WANT TO LIST

• To get all my favorite pictures of the girls framed.
• Make a blackboard out of my small kitchen cabinet
• Reorganize my living room
• Hang all the family artwork in the hall
• Get pillows for the shams in my bedroom
• Read for one uninterrupted hour
• Play monopoly with my kids
• Record a Happy Song CD              

and that is for starters.  So I will let you know what I picked and I hope you all out there in blogland pick something you want to do and let me know about it!!

Need vs Want

There are very few things in life that I actually HATE.
I don't like lots of things,
I put up with or tolerate lots of things.

Like  horseflies.
I really do not like them
But I am sure God has a purpose for them  and He knows better than I.

Also people who speak   v e r y   s l o w l y   with a deep southern drawl.
I truly tolerate them  as I imagine stabbing my eyes out.

Anyway  what I truly HATE is............ paperwork.
Of any kind ---of any sort.

I know my name and address  why do I need to write it out 1,000 times for someone to copy it in triplicate?

I HATE insurance,, medical, and school forms.
The beginning of school makes me want to go Amish thanks to all the forms.
I live in a small town  
Ummm....they KNOW me.
 I am on my third child through this school.
The secretary and I lunch together a couple times a year. Geez!!!

But it is all required.
And because I HATE  it so much I put it off and off and off...............
until there is a mountain of it!!

So yesterday I finally have to face it  -
ALL of it.  BLAH!!

I would have rather have eaten bugs...okay chocolate covered bugs  but still.
We could play "Would You Rather"  and I would pick whatever was "Rather"
than paperwork.

So finally 3 hours later and a "Pretend I'm not home " moment when the Jehovah Witness woman came by and  I finished.

So I feel I must treat myself at this point.
This all falls into that category of doing what I  "have to do " instead of what I "want to do".

So I have decided to declare a "WANT TO" festival.

I am going to keep a list of things I have wanted to do and every Tuesday I WILL do them.

Why Tuesday?   Why not? 

It's a boring day and it needs some spice and I need some fun.
So check in tomorrow---

I invite you to join me  and do something fun you have been puttin' off
 and DO it and ENJOY it!!!

Just make sure it is paperwork free.

Father's Day

Mr. Rogers is the best daddy a girls could ask for.
And that is a good thing, considering he has 3 of them.
But today's post is about our fathers, Mr. Rogers and mine.

You see both of us have wonderful men that raised us.
They taught us about honesty, kindness and generosity.

They were living examples of hard work and high morals.
They showed us what sacrifice  and a patient attitude

They lived out a life of love, each in their own way, and passed it to us.

But the greatest thing that our father's each taught us was choice.

You see, as strange as it may seem, both Mr. Rogers and I have never met our biological fathers.

My father left us before I was born and his never stayed when he knew there was a pregnancy.

His mother married when he was 2.     My mother when I was 4

So the men who raised us, who protected us,
 who provided for us, are the very ones who didn't have to.

But they did.

They love us

because they choose to love us.

A real man chooses.
 A real father stays by that choice.

And we are forever grateful.

The End

Okay  so it has been more than a day.

  Here is the thing about crisis, mishaps, and well even blogging: While they are happening  everything else keeps on going.

I mean it is not like your dirty laundry went on strike to give you a break, or your family decided to fast so you could skip making dinner.

No it all keeps rolling on, and as much as I wanted to finish this story the next day,
 I had to do those things I NEEDED to do instead of the things I WANTED to do.
In light of this revelation I will be doing something new but first on to the end.

Beginnings are great and endings can be sad but for this trip  the end was welcome.

The ticket "incident" , as we are referring to now, was interesting.
 Apparently the officer who pulled me over had tracked me several miles back doing 78 in a 60.
 He was out of his vehicle and waving and pointing at me to pull over.  He asked if I had seen him doing that.

"Yes," I said "I saw you flapping your arms back there and pointing, but I didn't know it was meant for me.'
Officer:  "What did you think it was for? "

Me:  "I don't know I just thought you wanted everyone over in the right hand lane"

Officer:  "Where are you headed?"

Me:  "Home, thank God. We have had the worst trip with 2 sets of car trouble"

Officer :" I tracked you at 78 in a 60 and you failed to pull over when I signaled you"

Me: " Okay, well I have never been pulled over from the front before I guess that is how long ago I got a ticket so I didn't know what you were doing"  (honest but not the best choice)

Officer:  "This ticket will be at least $250 when your over 15 miles above the speed limit"

Me; (deep breathe here)  "Great , oh course it will , why wouldn't it be?
 This has already been the trip from Hell so lets just top it off.
 Here is my registration and license"

Officer (now staring and peeking in the back seat to see Happy Mouth and Rollercoaster with their mouths ajar)  "Th-Th-Thanks I'll be right back" 
Off he goes to run my plates

I  now burst in to tears because the pressure is just too much.
 I can't run a mile,
 I can't drink a glass of wine,
I have no other release here.

He has seen this look on a woman before . 
The teeter totter of emotions.

That" I- could -snap -at-any- moment look."

I bet he was thinking  "I bet this lady is crazy enough to come back here and protest this and make my life a train wreck."


Officer:  "Mrs. Hill , your record is clean and it sounds like you have had a heck of a trip, so  I am just going to give you a warning and hope you have a safe trip back. We are out in record numbers today, so watch your speed."  
He hands me the papers back from a safe distance.

Me: "Oh ,thank you.  I will.''

I really need to thank the woman in his life.

Savings Be Gone

So Universal was great.................................

We should have stayed.  No really  we should have.

The trip home , a normal 8 hour drive, took us 13 hours thanks to additional vehicle mayhem.
Cue the Allstate guy here...

We actually drove 2 cars home. Since the car wreck totaled out Happy Mouths car , we bought another one in Florida that Mr. Rogers mom had found.

The old car :  Honda Accord 1999 Silver
New car: Honda Accord 2002 Silver

Yeah I know we are exciting.

We leave out Friday morning . We have gone approximately 200 miles and the engine light

comes on.You remember this one right?

  . 

So for the next two hours at the Avenues Honda dealership we play mad libs online, eat popcorn and stare at new cars that actually work.

It ends of being the oxygen up taker thing a mi bob , or as I like to call it College Tuition Stealer.

Turns out it is sucking the life out of our gas. We can drive home with it safely and thank goodness because they don't have the part there anyway.

But they will gladly take $112 dollars to tell us this.

I now want to stab myself. 

Happy Mouth now tells us she is tired and just cant drive another minute. (God love her)

 So I take the van , Mr. Rogers takes the Accord.

45 minutes later I am pulled over by a police officer - NO LIE

It is all I can write now with out weeping  I will finish the tale tomorrow

Universal Day one

Okay  I am way behind in the posting  partly because I have had a BLAST with my family at Universal
So let me just hit a few highlights of the trip

Rollercoaster is a Harry Potter Geek and I love it. I love the Harry Potter series. I think its inventive, imaginative and GOOD.  Yes I do .
 Now  I know other Christian friends who abort the series all together  and I respect their opinion and the fact that they choose to raise their kids with the best of intentions---so good for them. 
However I was hooked on the first movie, thanks to it's Christ-like sacrificial nature , but that is another whole story.

Anyway Rollercoaster  has read every book, several times and was chomping at the bit to go to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter.   

Mr. Rogers not only arranged the on site accommodations but also early entry into the park by one hour

Did   you hear me  EARLY ENTRY!!!!

Rollercoaster ,a notoriously Non-morning person . was up , dressed , and at the door before I figured out how to work the single cup coffee machine
 HINT:  Look for the word "BREW" if your ever in the same situation.

Anyway off we go , catching the boat that comes to take us to Isles of Adventure, Universal Studios
(Who knows is I plug 'em enough maybe I can get some payback from the money pit vacation...more to follow)

We head straight to the castle ride.
 The one where people waited in the heat for 9 hours to get to on opening day.
 (The only event you should ever wait that long for should be a meeting with Jesus and Praise His Father , He never makes you wait that long)

Mr. Rogers also got us Express Pass, which gets you to the head of the line (and incidentally  gripes from those who have waited for an hour as you walk by).

Yeah Mr. Rogers you are batting a thousand.   How did I get so lucky???

The ride was great  but the look on Rollercoasters face was worth every dime!!!   Even Happy Mouth  who could care less and scoffs at those "who are boring enough to read"  was way into it!!!

We then proceeded to ride the Dueling Dragons ,which we went back to 4 more times (thank you express pass!!!) , shopped at  Honeycourts, Zonkos, and caught a singing toad side-show.

 We also ate at the 3 Broomsticks.

 Mr . Rogers thought that was perfectly named restaurant  to take the girls to.

 What the heck is he talking about?

Thank you Willie

So we are finally, in the words of Willie Nelson  "On the Road Again"

 Except I don't remember any lyrics about a $398 alternator  and a $200 tow?

Oh well,  this is the post where I need to give some  "shout outs"

First   to Diane and Terry from the Big "O" *Shell gas station  for all their kindness to us.  They not only provided us with a reliable mechanic and towing service on  a Sunday  but also transported our crew to the next exit (11 miles away) to a hotel and food

You are forever on my Christmas Card List

Next our towing service County Line Towing , specifically Danny Settles.
We hope you enjoy the snapper, it was our pleasure to provide you fresh caught  Gulf Seafood

Our mechanic Tim, who had that "Honda" piece imported all the way from Valdosta, Ga.  Your efficiency was much appreciated!!

Dalisa from the Best Western in Madison.  I hope the review you received form us promotes you!! You were so helpful as we were carless!!! (not a typo  car-less)

and last but not least to
 Teresa Jinright Rusell, owner  of Dream , and my friend who helped arrange a "package" deal to Universal Studios that we thought was only for the rich .
 Thanks for moving our dates by one day and handling all  the madness we could dish out!!!!!

God had extra love in store for us in the smallest of ways and the greatest of days.

Fun Facts

So we have filled our time with everything we can in this town.
 So after that 15 seconds we just had to rely on our own creativity.
Something our family is not in short supply of!!

Here are a few fun facts we found out about Madison County, Florida.

• It has exactly 4 stoplights (we only saw one)
• The Best Western was a great place to stay.
• Madison is a wealth of hidden pre and early 1900's history
• It is home to a boarding house owned by a widow with 6 children in the 1920's . Apparently a boarder died in one of the room and forever became know as "the dead man room" (like what else would you call it?) 

Anyway according the to the Madison Chamber of Commerce:  "The children were sent to this room when they misbehaved."

What???  

 Okay I don't know about you but thanks to Madison's crazy widow and TLC shows  I am sooooooo in the running for Mama of the Year!!!

• Dr. Yates brought the first static electric machine to the state of Florida in 1902 and opened Madison's first sanitarium in 1914.

Is it me or is anyone seeing a connection here?                Electrical, that is....

Finally  the best fun fact about Madison , Florida has to simply be

• It's off the beatin' path but it was a path worth beatin'!!!

Stop on by if your ever near .....................

or just broke down.

    

Road trip meal one

Waffle House is actually a fine establishment for a hungry and tired crew.  We went after the church rush and before the dinner crowd came in so we were in good shape and received personal attention.

Forrest was fascinated by the spinning stools at the counter, so she sat up there,
 while the older girls opted for their own booth and Mr. Rogers and I had a booth to ourselves.

Insert Romance here.
 I actually had a left over multi-colored birthday candle in my purse I could have used for ambiance but I held off.
   Don't want to spoil that man!!!

Anyway  we went wild and told the girls that they could order whatever they wanted and "Yes you may even have another coke- it doesn't matter if you already had one or not today." 
ATTN: Perfect mothers , here is where you judge me

Wow spinning stools and 2 cokes in one day? 
Who needs Universal?  We have it all right here!!

Forrest is in sugar heaven right now and is wearing that stool out; 
Spin left, now right , now left again,  Sip Sprite-Repeat

She decides to order off of the regular menu (not kids) and wants a cheeseburger with bacon.
She has a thing for ordering pig on cow.

We agree and she says "I want to order on my own"
Sounds good to us, we have been working on public conversing and politeness.
 I will now accept my "good mama badge " here.


We then over hear her asking Happy Mouth how to pronounce the name of the burger:

as you can imagine they were coaching her on the pronunciation minus a certain
consonant.  Hmmm...................................................  funny, yeah really funny.

This is with 3 girls, I keep telling myself it would be worse with boys right?

As I write this,  I am finally alone.   I am in the Best Western in Madison.

Yes we decided to "Stay a Spell"-- Thanks to a worthless alternator.

The family has gone swimming and I have decided to stay in the room just to hear the sound of

NOTHING.

Ahhh........

Diane and Terry did indeed have to run us to the next exit down or "into town" as we were told in order to find lodging for the night.
 Danny has towed our car to Jimmy who is now in charge of finding an alternator for  a Honda in Smalltown, USA on a Sunday.

We can all do the math here:

Broken car+Small town+Sunday= Stayin' a Spell

We have two choices The Best Western or The Days Inn , which is owned by Jimmy's family (of course it is).

We opt for the Best Western because it has a pool

 PLUS (bonus coming here)        THE:

Yeah!!!  The Waffle House!!!!

Where your eggs can get cooked by a convict!!!! Who Hoo!!

When I announced the Waffle House fine dining option  Rollercoaster's exact words were

"Were living Big now!"

That's the spirit I thought!!     L-O-V-E that girl!!



Madison County-Small town USA

The car is shaking now
My stomach is doing flip flops
and our wallet is growing thinner than Kate Moss in her cocaine days.

Happy Mouth, Rollercoaster and Forrest are oblivious to any trouble thanks to all the Apple products physically adhered to their ears. We head down an exit ramp with only a light green sign with an outline of Florida with the number 23 in the middle.
I don't even think they make that shade of green for road signs anymore.

We S-L-O-W-L-Y   go down the exit    
and down
and down
and down  it is like we are descending into hades.

There are no signs for food, gas or lodging.
There are no signs that label a town or street.
Just kudzu suffocating everything it touches ,
winding up and completely covering pines, electric poles and wires and half of the overpass.

Mr. Rogers looks right    -nothing
I look left- nothing......but wait  a small speck of yellow

"Turn right" I shout because the car is on its last leg     Left we go and pull up to a lone gas station  forgotten by time.

Well .... it is civilization  right?

Okay so I will comment on the bit of obvious  "Welcome to the Big "O"'s.      I wish.

Mr. Rogers walks in spills our tale of whoa and is greeted by Diane who immediately
nods her poofy white curls and offers my husband some pecans.

Now you may think at this point that the banjo music should start playing

But I love small towns.
 I live in one. 
I like to visit them and I love meeting people in them.

Diane then reassures my husband that
 Danny will be more than happy to  "Come right on over and take a right look at that vehicle you got, I call him myself"

Within 8 minutes Danny has arrived, half the town knows we are there, my girls have been offered homemade pralines and Terry, Diane's husband, has been put on alert in case "them folks might be needin' a ride some where."

I love small towns.
Jesus was born in one, raised in another and loved everyone He traveled to.

And I am pretty sure He was in this one today.

Here's Your Sign

The road trip begins; but not before (a small detail I left out of yesterday's post) we have a sprained ankle from Rollercoast in the second game of the tournament!!! Sure throw some crutches into the gig, why not?

Anyway  we roll on out of our neck of the woods at 6:00 with a comment from Mr. Rogers.
"Hey how long has the battery light been on?"

-We should have just changed cars right then and there or rented a car  but instead...............

We just shrugged our shoulders and I answered
 "I don't know maybe they giggled the gages when they changed the oil yesterday?"

It sounded good at the time and Mr. Rogers and I bought it
You know the theory  "Ignore it I'm sure it will go away"

We were really counting on that theory

It was not to be....

All was well for about 300 miles   then the lonely red battery light

was joined by the orange "check engine" light.

Wow!!!

Now that is a lot to ignore,,,,,,  but as if we were even thinking of such a thing 

The car read our minds and added some random flipping of the indicator arrows on the RPM panel and  speedometer  then  all the lights on the dashboard went out......

and finally the gears were shifting on their own and the car was a chug -chugging in violent convulsions

that left no doubt , even the most optimistic....

The denial was over,

We officially had car trouble.

The Roadtrip Day 1

I must prerequisite this post with the fact that we have had INSANE days that have lead up to our vacation.
 We had random Sball practices, both school and travel and 3 days of 100 degree or higher heat. 
Nice.
Throw in 23 loads of laundry-  yeah that's not a typo  23!!!
Husband out of pocket for 3 nights due to work,  down by one car due to the accident, both Happy Mouth and Rollercoaster have jobs to get to this week, and last but not least............

Mr.Rogers has a Deep Sea Fishing tournament on Saturday which translates to

"Well of course I would love to
Get the car serviced for the road,
Pack for the trip,
Take care of the dog kennel arrangements,
Get Rollercoaster to her tournament,
Clean the pool,
Get the mail stopped,
Go to the grocery store,
Cook, clean  and
stab my eyes out in the process!!!!"

Anyway,  I guess the 4 other children (that are not ours) that spent the night and ate us out of house and home didn't lessen the craziness.
 I can't help it -I love kids and a good movie night!!
Yeah that one is going to have to be filed under "SIS"- Self Inflicted Stress.
But that's another story.

So finally at 11:00 at night, after waking up 3 times to "remember" something and put it on the list for the morning,  I am good to go.


Our plans were to head to Orlando, Fl visit grandparents and go to Universal.  Yeah!!!!!!!!! 
Sounds fun !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!     Sounds like a plan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Have you heard the expression

"If you want to hear God laugh; tell Him your plans."?

God is undoubtedly clutching His stomach as the Angels wipe away His tears of Hysteria

at this very moment.

Relax

Just a small follow up to the car wreck:  The girls were fine 
They had clean x-rays  and were given muscle relaxers for the whiplash

Ummm.........NOTE TO SELF---

WAIT UNTIL YOU GET HOME TO GIVE MUSCLE RELAXERS

Trying to get 2 loosey goosey teenage girl out of the ER and into a vehicle ............
not a pretty site

Hysterical.....YES!!   

Just not pretty