I am guilty.

Guilty of trying to be the greatest mom.

Guilty of trying to convince others of this pretense as well

I looked for affirmation among the motherhood crowd and the crowd I tried to appease came with a big price tag.

I am a Christian and I want my children to be raised following Christ.

So my first clue should have been to turn to Him and Him alone.

But I was surrounded by other great believers and great church and endless Christian resources. 

Some of you may be able to decipher better than me and could take the advice of some either in person or through a book and then throw out the rest that doesn’t work for you

I didn’t possess that great skill but I ended up earning it.

When I didn’t meet the criteria that I thought was better than me I poured on the guilt and then the determination followed by the exhaustion and then the explosions.

Next came the shame and repentance, followed by fatigue and depression.

Then I would get just enough to carry on in a recognizable form of sanity but eventually would cycle back .

You are probably thinking what in the world made you like that ?

Things like:

 Homeschool – I didn’t  I don’t

 Family devotions everyday without fail-  we tried, some were funny others I was to controlling

Lead and encourage other women at church- I’m not good enough in my walk to lead others

Work the children’s nursery- I love the little ones they don’t judge

Volunteer – so much that we went to church as a divided family unit for an entire  year

 These  may seem silly to you but I bet you can insert your own statements from  whatever is important to you and I might find it ludicrous.

But I bet we are not that far apart when

 we have good intentions and unstable motivation.

Anyway I realize I set many of these things up in my own head 

and to be honest with you not many of the people 

who surround me would ever guess at my insecurities.

Others who had to one up me were never secure to begin with .

I went the route of “let me tell you all the great things” 

I do thinking  and I would  just justify myself bless the socks 

off of who ever was listening!

God quickly cured me of that as I realized 

I was talking about doing more than I was doing- OUCH

But even in  a circle of believers I never seemed to be enough. In my mind anyway.

We should encourage one another and not one up, 

,judge or belittle one another.

But ultimately my relationship with God relies on Me and God.

And since God has no insecurities about His love for me ,  I had to conclude that it was ME.

I mistook the approval of those I admired for the approval of God.

And it could not have a been a bigger lie.

My behavior wasn’t the matter.

I was doing all the good things so to speak

But my motivations were not pure.

And they brought no peace.

It was like a task list of Holier than Holies.

• 3 chapters of the Bible read-check
• Devotion read –check
• Prayer journal-check
• Scripture cards memorization-check
• Bible study done-check
• Bible study attended-check
• Read latest Christian parenting book-check
• Asked (nagged) husband to lead devotion (again)-check, check, check
• Read Bible story to kids-check
• Got fussy when oldest didn't do devotion-check

And then there were these unwritten checks

• Talk about a parenting moment when you used Biblical principals-check
• Correct your child in that non sarcastic sweet way when disciplining in front  of others- check
• Recommend date night with out fail because your marriage depends on it
• Join 4 Bible studies simultaneously (seriously someone smack me)

I am not saying that these things are not good or are not helpful I’m simply saying

MOTIVATION MATTERS

It matters what or who motivated you – that is when authenticity is born.

Now I’m not claiming “if you feel like it” here.

 NO those who don’t do anything until they feel like it are just lazy- self included .

I understand obedience is necessary, but to Whose obedience?

Your Bible study leader?

The chick down the street who has “it all together?”

Even if the end result is what it should be

God knows my heart – He knows who I am trying to please

To be affirmed by

This surely has to quality for the “filthy rags” Isaiah refers to  as our acts of righteousness.

It is no wonder so many of us lose our true “want to”

and we label God as demanding and oppressive . I did

But He is not either of those things-

HE is waiting for me kindly and lovingly .

Waiting for my  control freakness to die .

Can I really rest?

Not in an exhaustive hot mess heap but really rest and not “do” anything but be loved?

I am reminded of the words in Isaiah

 “In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust  is your strength, “   

Yes I can rest and count on Him . 

The end of this verse holds a sharp reminder

 and rebuke to the people of Isaiah day

 and it is a red flag for us.

It states :

“but you would have none of it.”

The verses that follow as you can imagine are not pretty.

I want to rest in Him .

 I want to trust in Him and I do not want it said of me that “ I would have none of it”. 

NO Lord I do not want you to be able to say that to me.

I want to say that “I took all of it”

All the repentance from my striving

All the rest You have to offer

This is my Salvation

All the quietness in my mind

All the trust in Your love for me

This is my strength

I wanted to be such a good mom and I am a good mom.

I love my children and they love me and all of us are strewn together by the loving hands of Our Sweet Heavenly Father, who has been abundantly generous in  His grace.

I made many mistakes as a young mom and I still make some today but one thing is sure: God has never left or forsaken me

And I can rest.

Failure to Love

Today I am just going to write.
I struggle with what to write or how I come across at times .
 But none of that has any truth or any positive bearing on what is real in my life.

I have a million funny stories about my kids that I should have blogged about right when they happened.
But I didn't so I will probably have a few retro funnies coming this way.

But today my soul is heavy.

Heavy with truth. And that can be painful.

The truth of the matter is I am growing indifferent to many things.

The other ugly truth is I am realizing that I have been asleep.

I am tired. Tired of Christianity  .... as I know it.

And yet for a long time I contributed to the program.

I want my family saved.
 I don't want God to be angry with me .
I want my children to go to heaven.

and my biggest struggle....

I do not want God to be disappointed  in me.

That hurts to even write.
 But it pains with  raw scraped clean truth.

I have long looked at my relationship with God as list.

Guilt and sorrow over a sin :  Check
Acknowledgement of my need for Him: Check
Confession:  Check
Plan to do better: Check

or this scenario

Tell kids how loved they are by God: Check
Pray with them: Check
Baptism and church:  Check

but list are made for finishing.

And I don't want to be finished with God.

This can't be all .
That list that comes back around with the mountains and valleys in life.

I have a lot of other ugly doubts, fears and finger pointing lurking in the chasm of my heart.

Ashamed of them
 but if I don't say they are there will I ever really be free of them?

And this is what I want to be FREE of it...the way I see it , the way I have made it

I want to know the Real God and his Real Love for me , not the way I made it

And while I may have bought into it as  that way  am I not  also guilty of Wanting it that way ?

Ouch!! Someone please hand me another band-aid.

Doing Doing Doing  because You Should Should Should

and I don't hate every minute of it .
 I want to  love on others and
I want to obey God
and I am 44 I should have this squared away by now for crying our loud shouldn't  I?

Ahhh... there is that stinkin' thinkin' that got me here in the first place.

Key phrase here "I" -
I should have it together
I should have
no doubts
no fears
I should
show God I got this.
       
Oh  my....
I should shut up now.

At this point I don't know if I should laugh hysterically
or shudder and duck for cover.

Either way this lets me know I "don't got this"
and I nor anyone else ever will or can

not without

HIM.

Not church, Not religion, Not good works

HIM

Early in my parenting I struggled with being the godly mother who has godly children.
I was a bi-polar spiritual maniac of a woman.

Always wanting to do it all right , never giving myself time
or grace
or space.

Just stuffing it all down and then vomiting it all up--
all over the very ones I love the most
and spewing anything but the Tender Love of Jesus.

During these disappointing and depressing times in myself.
I came to know a fact.
I have love that fails.


 But this raw truth came as sweet  relief to me
Because I was tired ... oh so worn

It came on clear that :

No I cant love unfailingly.
I try
I study to
I want to
but I can't

Now you may be thinking " Well , isn't this the - feel good- thought of the year"

I mean how sad is it for a mother to need help to love her children?
To be kind and sacrificial?
What kind of sick mama is that?
and to those thoughts I say
"Hit the road Satan"

That mentality of "No one loves them like I do" is false and controlling.

GOD loves them more than we ever could
and we are not  to be everything to them.

 He is..

He just loves us more than anyone else ever can so He gave us the privilege to love His children with Him.

Let's say that out loud:

God loves me more than anyone else ever can and He gave me the privilege of loving and caring for His  children.


this truth released a reality in me that changed things for me.

UNFAILING LOVE IS ONLY FROM GOD

everytime the phrase "unfailing love" is used in the Bible it is attached to God's name  or attributed to His actions.

So here comes the epiphany:

If I have imperfect failing love
and
He has perfect, unfailing love

Then why don't I ask to love like He loves?

I'm cocking my head to the side as I recall this moment
still doing the "Aaaha"" moment
because I forget.

So because of my SSM (short spiritual memory)
let's review:

My Surrendered Love + His Amazing Love= The Living Love

The living of His  love to and through me.

Get honest:

I can't do it Lord.
The fact is sometimes I struggle to believe You love me.

 I  look at myself and I think " I'm not loving that "
 Heck, I wish I could go on vacation from myself sometimes

Get help:

But your ways are not my ways and your thoughts are not my thoughts.
(Exhale.........panic averted.)

Get Healed:

So I ask you God, the giver of all good gifts,
 please love me and let me love others
especially those you have entrusted me with,
as You and only You do.

and this list has no end because just like the shampoo bottle suggest:

you will rinse out (sometimes through tears)
and repeat.

May your memory be strong to remember when you are weary
and your pain be profitable as He unfailing loves us.



                        

What to Believe Continued.......

I blogged earlier in the week about all the media attention and pending controversy around  the Kony 2012 campaign.


I came to my conclusion to focus on the words and instruction of Jesus.

After researching
increasing my confusion
and  my awareness of
the suffering of real people
I did not want o turn a blind eye
a deaf ear
or a lame foot
and then foolishly blame
my passivity on
 a organization that may or may not have it all together.

I am responsible for my actions.
 I am accountable for my answer to God.

This I remind myself in light of the recent controversy regarding the organization responsible for the Kony 2012, Invisible Children.

Today if you google Kony or Invisible Children  you get this article about one of  the co-founders caught in a public act of disgrace.
 http://news.yahoo.com/co-founder-kony-video-group-detained-calif-232427950.html

The story by all news accounts is accurate.
 What was the cause behind such actions ?
A spokesman for the group is claiming health problems. 

I really don't know of any health problems that make people publicly masturbate.
But you know maybe I just haven't researched Web MD enough.

I could go a lot of places with this one but I will try to stay on course.


My children had the privilege of hearing  a young man who lived in Uganda and was taken into Kony's army by force (LRA), lost his parents to the murderous actions of this army.  He spoke about being so little that he couldn't  carry the weight of the guns they trained him on.

That is nothing but pure evil. That needs to be stopped.

  He was helped by Invisible Children ,first in a refugee camp and then with a school scholarship to come to the United States.  What they did for this young man mattered.


But the lesson I am taking away from this is to watch your witness.

This one individual's action may prove to be the determent of the campaign.
His actions may prove to be accidental or exaggerated ( it could be a medical issue, right ? like as diagnosed by Dr. Suess maybe.)
Sorry--- my sarcasm is showing

But no matter what happens the damage is done.

Some who were thinking about getting involved won't

Those who weren't sold on the Invisible Children, but were stirred to
find out about Africa might change their mind

But I hope not .

I hope what we take from this is the fact that
no man , no organization, no cause , no political party, no ruler, or leader on earth
is infallible. 
No one is beyond temptation  and no one deserves to have us put all of our eggs in their basket

Except

One

Only God is infallible. Only God can handle it all.
Only God can be counted on 100 percent.

So I hope that we learn two things from this:

Our witness matters and we need to be careful-
lots of eyes , believing and non-believing are watching and trusting us.

 We serve a huge and Mighty God who has all the instructions we will ever need in order to love and serve the world without excuse. 

What to Believe

There has been a ton of social media explosion lately.

Unless you live under a rock, and even if you do, you can still access the Internet
and have undoubtedly seen the Kony 2010 Campaign.

It went to viral proportions in a matter of hours. 
The video produced by Invisible children is raw, invoking, and effective.

There has been much questioning and speculation on the group's finances , possible militant involvement, and effectiveness.  As I do research I become more confused rather than receive any clarity.
I have always been a researcher before getting on a ban wagon  because sometimes you get a great spot on the wagon but you fail to realize where its final destination is.

So rather than support the Kony2012  or dismiss it I have searched some articles and posted them in hopes that others will research as well.

But in today's media frenzy society where you can be a you tube rock star, ruin a life cyberbullying, or start a prayer train worldwide all in about 15 minutes; it is hard to know what is what

Seriously when the dictionary off the shelf is dismissed in favor of Wikipedia or Urban Dictionary I think sometimes we are just lazy.

I haven't come to any direct conclusions in regard to the Kony issue except this:
I believe Kony is the top canidaie for being the  devil himself.

And this is where the media . that can or cannot tell us the truth, or some of it, or none of it can really fail .
The Uganda crisis from Kony's army is sick, horrible, and very real.

We need to act on behalf of the innocent , the helpless, the voiceless.

But the debate seems to go on  Should we help through Invisible Children

What do we believe in this age of information overload?
Who do we believe?
Where do we begin?

I know one source who has always told me the truth.
One person who has always lead me forward.

I haven't always heeded the instruction .
I have veered off the path plenty
But the advice was always consistent never wavering, 
no addendum or asterisks involved.

"I was hungry and you fed me
I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink
I was naked and you clothed me
I was sick and you tended to me
I was a stranger and you welcomed me
I was in prison and you visited me

Whatever you did for the least of these you did for me."

His name is Jesus
and he has always had
The Truth.

I have all the information I need