Stuff to know

Monday, November 14, 2011

The Speech

okay  this post is politically incorrect
I'm just going to warn you from the start

Let me take you to a familiar scene in my home
perhaps in your home too

It could be 6:30 in the morning in a rush to school
it could be 11:30 at night after I have gone to be
or even
a text in the middle of the day, or a request the moment they have laid eyes on me

it is the inevitable

"hey mom  where is my_______________
or "hey mom do you have my______________

or my favorite "hey mom I need______________________

you can add whatever you want here in the blanks .

It really doesn't matter. 
the need, item or request is immaterial

and just once - just one time

I am going to lose it
and say what I really want to

I have imagined this scenario in my mind several times

I refer to it as : (here comes the un PC part)

"Let me just pull that out of my butt"  speech

(and depending on the intensity of the mood I may substitute a word or two)

Now you may be thinking "How trashy"  but just here the speech

and   then ponder how you can use it.

It goes a little like this;

Child 1, 2 or 3 (doesn't matter) says one of the above fill in the blank statements/questions
This being the 50th such utterance

I slowly turn around...................
Left eye twitching,  lip curling a bit
Eyes ablaze with thrusting daggers

and I begin

"Why of course sweetheart  Let me just pull this out of my butt.

I know exactly where your shirt, homework, shoes, keys, pen, curling iron, drink is.
It is right here - let me just pull it out of my butt

Can I get you something to eat even though I'm in the middle of cleaning up cat poop?
 why of course darling , have a 3 course meal , ill just whip it up out of my butt

Whatever you need , whatever you lost   I have it  yes and in an instant too.
(I'm starting to sound like an infomercial!)

Whatever your desire, I have it here
let me just  PULL IT OUT OF MY BUTT.

No wonder the dang thing is so big, its a storage area! 
 Whoo knew?"

Okay  , There I said it (at least on the blog)
at this point if I really did do this

My kids would look at me like I had lost it , and they wouldn't be far of.

Happy Mouth would only laugh at me and continue to state her requests.

Rollercoaster (who is about to be renamed -stay tuned) would just be mad
especially if I slipped and used a synonym.

and Forrest would just be grossed out.

But there you have it .
  It has yet to happen

but when it does I'll let you know

I just post  "Politically Incorrect"
and you'll know.

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