I am guilty.

Guilty of trying to be the greatest mom.

Guilty of trying to convince others of this pretense as well

I looked for affirmation among the motherhood crowd and the crowd I tried to appease came with a big price tag.

I am a Christian and I want my children to be raised following Christ.

So my first clue should have been to turn to Him and Him alone.

But I was surrounded by other great believers and great church and endless Christian resources. 

Some of you may be able to decipher better than me and could take the advice of some either in person or through a book and then throw out the rest that doesn’t work for you

I didn’t possess that great skill but I ended up earning it.

When I didn’t meet the criteria that I thought was better than me I poured on the guilt and then the determination followed by the exhaustion and then the explosions.

Next came the shame and repentance, followed by fatigue and depression.

Then I would get just enough to carry on in a recognizable form of sanity but eventually would cycle back .

You are probably thinking what in the world made you like that ?

Things like:

 Homeschool – I didn’t  I don’t

 Family devotions everyday without fail-  we tried, some were funny others I was to controlling

Lead and encourage other women at church- I’m not good enough in my walk to lead others

Work the children’s nursery- I love the little ones they don’t judge

Volunteer – so much that we went to church as a divided family unit for an entire  year

 These  may seem silly to you but I bet you can insert your own statements from  whatever is important to you and I might find it ludicrous.

But I bet we are not that far apart when

 we have good intentions and unstable motivation.

Anyway I realize I set many of these things up in my own head 

and to be honest with you not many of the people 

who surround me would ever guess at my insecurities.

Others who had to one up me were never secure to begin with .

I went the route of “let me tell you all the great things” 

I do thinking  and I would  just justify myself bless the socks 

off of who ever was listening!

God quickly cured me of that as I realized 

I was talking about doing more than I was doing- OUCH

But even in  a circle of believers I never seemed to be enough. In my mind anyway.

We should encourage one another and not one up, 

,judge or belittle one another.

But ultimately my relationship with God relies on Me and God.

And since God has no insecurities about His love for me ,  I had to conclude that it was ME.

I mistook the approval of those I admired for the approval of God.

And it could not have a been a bigger lie.

My behavior wasn’t the matter.

I was doing all the good things so to speak

But my motivations were not pure.

And they brought no peace.

It was like a task list of Holier than Holies.

• 3 chapters of the Bible read-check
• Devotion read –check
• Prayer journal-check
• Scripture cards memorization-check
• Bible study done-check
• Bible study attended-check
• Read latest Christian parenting book-check
• Asked (nagged) husband to lead devotion (again)-check, check, check
• Read Bible story to kids-check
• Got fussy when oldest didn't do devotion-check

And then there were these unwritten checks

• Talk about a parenting moment when you used Biblical principals-check
• Correct your child in that non sarcastic sweet way when disciplining in front  of others- check
• Recommend date night with out fail because your marriage depends on it
• Join 4 Bible studies simultaneously (seriously someone smack me)

I am not saying that these things are not good or are not helpful I’m simply saying

MOTIVATION MATTERS

It matters what or who motivated you – that is when authenticity is born.

Now I’m not claiming “if you feel like it” here.

 NO those who don’t do anything until they feel like it are just lazy- self included .

I understand obedience is necessary, but to Whose obedience?

Your Bible study leader?

The chick down the street who has “it all together?”

Even if the end result is what it should be

God knows my heart – He knows who I am trying to please

To be affirmed by

This surely has to quality for the “filthy rags” Isaiah refers to  as our acts of righteousness.

It is no wonder so many of us lose our true “want to”

and we label God as demanding and oppressive . I did

But He is not either of those things-

HE is waiting for me kindly and lovingly .

Waiting for my  control freakness to die .

Can I really rest?

Not in an exhaustive hot mess heap but really rest and not “do” anything but be loved?

I am reminded of the words in Isaiah

 “In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust  is your strength, “   

Yes I can rest and count on Him . 

The end of this verse holds a sharp reminder

 and rebuke to the people of Isaiah day

 and it is a red flag for us.

It states :

“but you would have none of it.”

The verses that follow as you can imagine are not pretty.

I want to rest in Him .

 I want to trust in Him and I do not want it said of me that “ I would have none of it”. 

NO Lord I do not want you to be able to say that to me.

I want to say that “I took all of it”

All the repentance from my striving

All the rest You have to offer

This is my Salvation

All the quietness in my mind

All the trust in Your love for me

This is my strength

I wanted to be such a good mom and I am a good mom.

I love my children and they love me and all of us are strewn together by the loving hands of Our Sweet Heavenly Father, who has been abundantly generous in  His grace.

I made many mistakes as a young mom and I still make some today but one thing is sure: God has never left or forsaken me

And I can rest.

What to Believe Continued.......

I blogged earlier in the week about all the media attention and pending controversy around  the Kony 2012 campaign.


I came to my conclusion to focus on the words and instruction of Jesus.

After researching
increasing my confusion
and  my awareness of
the suffering of real people
I did not want o turn a blind eye
a deaf ear
or a lame foot
and then foolishly blame
my passivity on
 a organization that may or may not have it all together.

I am responsible for my actions.
 I am accountable for my answer to God.

This I remind myself in light of the recent controversy regarding the organization responsible for the Kony 2012, Invisible Children.

Today if you google Kony or Invisible Children  you get this article about one of  the co-founders caught in a public act of disgrace.
 http://news.yahoo.com/co-founder-kony-video-group-detained-calif-232427950.html

The story by all news accounts is accurate.
 What was the cause behind such actions ?
A spokesman for the group is claiming health problems. 

I really don't know of any health problems that make people publicly masturbate.
But you know maybe I just haven't researched Web MD enough.

I could go a lot of places with this one but I will try to stay on course.


My children had the privilege of hearing  a young man who lived in Uganda and was taken into Kony's army by force (LRA), lost his parents to the murderous actions of this army.  He spoke about being so little that he couldn't  carry the weight of the guns they trained him on.

That is nothing but pure evil. That needs to be stopped.

  He was helped by Invisible Children ,first in a refugee camp and then with a school scholarship to come to the United States.  What they did for this young man mattered.


But the lesson I am taking away from this is to watch your witness.

This one individual's action may prove to be the determent of the campaign.
His actions may prove to be accidental or exaggerated ( it could be a medical issue, right ? like as diagnosed by Dr. Suess maybe.)
Sorry--- my sarcasm is showing

But no matter what happens the damage is done.

Some who were thinking about getting involved won't

Those who weren't sold on the Invisible Children, but were stirred to
find out about Africa might change their mind

But I hope not .

I hope what we take from this is the fact that
no man , no organization, no cause , no political party, no ruler, or leader on earth
is infallible. 
No one is beyond temptation  and no one deserves to have us put all of our eggs in their basket

Except

One

Only God is infallible. Only God can handle it all.
Only God can be counted on 100 percent.

So I hope that we learn two things from this:

Our witness matters and we need to be careful-
lots of eyes , believing and non-believing are watching and trusting us.

 We serve a huge and Mighty God who has all the instructions we will ever need in order to love and serve the world without excuse. 

Stranger Acts of Kindness

I have a confession.

A hidden pleasure,  a tiny little indulgence.

I enjoy going out  and speaking to random strangers. 
Simply exchanging common pleasantries
 and welcoming...........er perhaps savoring their kindness. 

Okay , not the juicy little tidbit you were hoping for- but it' s piece of the puzzle called sanity.

Whether the situation is professional, spontaneous or obligatory-

The simple exchange of good manners in a lexical fashion always puts a bit of sunshine into my contented but weary soul.

What might you ask would cause me to be so satisfied with such such a simple exchange ?

One word:  TEENAGERS

With  2 of them and a "tweener" following close behind....and  brace yourself  .....all female

I yearn for common interaction that does not involve  shoulders shrugs or panic voice  inflections.

By now I feel I should have obtained your sympathy and all tequila donations.

Let me elaborate a bit on how these random kindnesses of the outside world affect me.

You see kindness costs nothing, yet it produces enormous rewards.

A soft spoken word,
 a smile-
 heck a facial expression that does not involve an eye roll

and I just get tingly all over!!!

To hear a "Hello, May I help you?" or "What can I get you?"     

WHOA!!!!!!

What can you get ME?

Did I hear that right? (insert tingly feeling here)

"Why yes, yes you can help me."  I gush like a school girl flirting with the quarterback.

I pour out my kindnesses now with "Thank yous" and "How thoughtful"  and before you know it

My cup spilleth over and I have plenty to share.

 However there are times when I am met with slightly less than an agreeable situation.

I just try to keep a positive edge about me-

For instance when I greet Happy Mouth with a cheerful "Good Morning", she walks straight  past me.

I simply restate my salutation with a bit more cheerfulness
 to which she responds "I SAID GOOD MORNING!!"

In your mind, I think. 
But I continue on with a smile and stay away from sharp objects.

I then proceed to wake Rollercoaster-

At this point I should state a disclaimer:
  To awaken Rollercoaster from her slumber is to sign up for death, it is not for the faint-hearted, You may deem the following inappropriate for small children

I tip toe up the stairs in order to not make a "sudden" noise - I made that mistake ONCE.

I peep in and see she is fully in LaLa land, mouth ajar, pillow embraced, her thick wild hair strewn across the sheets.......
Here Goes....

I lean over and gently rub her back (yes I have dared to touch the beast)

I offer  a "Good Morning Sweetie" in my best "your a good dog" voice I can manage without trembling.

Rollercoaster jerks violently on to her side and lets out a grunt.

Whew! That was close . My stellar reflexes have protected me from a good thwack in the face.

"It is a great day, sugar".I say.
 I must admit at this point I am playing Pollyanna with just a bit too much glee, but hey I have to get my kicks where I can.

"Mom, I AM Getting up!!  You don;t have to yell at me , okay?

Child 2- Mission Complete

My favorite though has to be waking the youngest.
Now I am a better mother to my youngest ,who is the ripe old age of 10, than I was to my older two.

 Not due to favoritism, but simply experience.
 Any REAL mama out there should admit the same. Practice makes perfect, not that I believe in perfectionism (but that's another story)

Life is just a great teacher.

So I have gotten in the habit of rubbing her arms gently and saying "This is the day the Lord has made for you to rejoice in!"
When I first began this she  loved it .
She would repeat it after me and begin to get up and ready.

Lately, Forrest is a bit slower to respond.
 So I have taken the liberty to add "You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you."; including "get out of bed" I add under my breath.

So this morning I had my older two up Pollyanna style and began to get Forrest up with our usual mantra .
I coupled this with an encouraging tug back of the covers only to be greeted with an academy award performance for Sybil.

"I   AMMMMMMMMMMMMM UUUPPPPPP!"  she screams with the breath of a vulture and glazed eyes straight out of a Hitchcock movie.

She stomps to the bathroom and just before the door slams shut she utters
"I am up  ARE YOU HAPPY?"

Wow! Such thoughtfulness!  What a sweet way to start the day!! The kindness boat has come in!!

Happy Mouth is now telling me something about my failure to pick her up the right foundation color, as Rollercoaster reminds me "Pick me up by 4:00 today and please don't be late like last time"

Mr. Rogers feels the need to tell me we are out of coffee.

Screw coffee. I think just don't tell me we are out of rum.

I smile my best "Miss America" smile and wish them all a wonderful day.
 But my heart is not really in it , I am planning my next excursion with a random stranger and the pleasantries we will exchange.  

A bookstore?  Coffee shop?

No, no today I deserve a tall drink of iced tea refilled as many times as I need until my kindness bank  has interest to spare.

Who will the lucky waiter be?