This will be her second time to go . Happy Mouth has too many responsibilities to head there this year.(AKA- get a little more of my payroll) I know its hard for her. She is taking 12 hours of summer school to get ahead on her sciences. She has decided to apply for nursing school , I am so very proud of her and excited that she has a focus of her life. God is good
So today I drop Jane off at the airport again.
Again I am not going nor have I had the call to go.
I am still learning to not be a control freak and still learning to trust in God.
It is soo wonderful this great journey God has taken me through and I wish I had paid attention sooner but hey what can I say
My part is here. Not just for Dig Deep Give Well , but for learning to trust and release my children into His hands ,where they belong. I can't control everything that happens there. I can't control it even if I was there, but I would try and I do believe that I would be a hinderance to the relationship
of her and God. At least at this moment in time.
Now I am her mama and I should be a leader for her to God, right? And I have been.
In ways purposeful , in good ways , in not so good ways.
But God has been faithful in all ways.
I have struggled with fear for a long time. Some with reason and rationality and some unfounded and imagined.
But God has always answers with love.
Love and guidance when I obeyed and trusted and love when I flat out rejected, disobeyed, closed my eyes and blew it in the greatest sense.
He still answered with love.
I have finally come to a point where I accept my growth path.
I don't compare it
I don't regret it
I just embrace it, because God id the guider.
He never leaves the position of leader and Shepard even when His little ADD mama sheep takes a detour
I simply do not want to fear anymore.
I can choose.
I can choose over my feelings, over my automated responses, over the responses of those around me and most importantly
over the voices of fear either from within or without.
I can choose.
And here is the weird thing ,I used to joke and half heartedly believe that
"90 percent of what you worry about never happens , so it must be working."
I laughed at a quote I heard recently form a show called The Middle. The mom stated after her husband told her worrying didn't actually "do" anything to the situation, that " Yes yes it does . It shows God you are paying attention."
This would be a conversation that Mr Rodgers and I could have had a few times. But when I stop laughing and realize I do not live in a sitcom (although some days we could have the top ratings)
I live in a fallen world with a soul sold out to God.
I can not stand on a bridge over a chasm between fear and faith.
That is a dying spot and a slow death at that.
Not only do I not want to be afraid anymore. I want faith and love as replacement.
I want to be perfectly loved.
Perfect love drives out fear.
God is the only perfect love and to not fear I need to understand that -
and even if I don't I need to accept this perfect love He has for me.
Then and only then will be made fearless.
So it has come to a halt here and now.
God asked me do you want to be afraid?
Now doesn't that seem like a silly question ?
Who would choose to be afraid? And yet I have . We all have.
It may be a choice by default but it is a choice none the less.
Now I must have some where wanted to be fearful, as if it was insurance against bad things happening or could prevent something.
Ridiculous and also it gives power to the force of fear.
This realization is quite shocking but true.
I do not want to feed that beast, and and I do not want to feed from it
So I pray for perfect love the love that comes down form God alone Who is the giver of all good gifts. And isn't that what He wants to do - love us ?
I am going to receive perfect love and it is going to drive out fear.
Because will not God surely give me the love He longs to give when I ask for it?
He will not give me perfection or a perfect life.
I will have trouble.
I will have challenges, pain, and hard days.
In fact I may have more of such simply because I am His.
No He didn't promise perfection.
Only He is that.
He promises to never leave nor forsake me. to guide me all of my days.
He and only He has perfect love.
No spouse, no child only He and He alone loves perfectly.
I want that perfect love-- I want to be loved perfectly
I have to be loved perfectly if I am to love anyone well.
I choose to accept this perfect love and fear is simply not His plan for me .
Does it mean that I now instantly don't fear?
Baahhaaaa yeah okay.
Put down the hallucinogenics .
It means that His plan for me is to love me perfectly and that love drives out fear.
Who am I to argue with God?
When I fear I can ask and I will receive His perfect love
and He will work on me and my fear because He loves me.
I choose to believe this and I hope you will too because it is a Perfect set up,
Choose His perfect love over choosing fear --
see what happens
Now that is a perfect plan.