Violation Day

Okay so here is a estrogen dripping post today.



It's about that thing .....you know THAT thing
the once a year thing


that you end up grooming yourself better than you have in month:

clean shaven legs

every inch (especially the southern hemisphere) scrubbed

dressed in pretty panties so you can feel confident like the commercial says

a dab of lipstick and perfume for good measure
(people will think your doing something really Big and Important)

and all for the Annual Visit to the Gyno

or

as I refer to it

"Violation Day"

Yes its a responsible thing
It's the healthy thing
Take care of yourself thing.

but it is not the "Fun" thing------ No not at all


First I sign in at the desk and wait among the countless other victims that have willing signed up to get their wo-ha looked at and their girls felt up and squished.
                (feel free to insert your own clean version of basic anatomy parts here)

A pretty 20 something girl in light pink scrubs calls out your name in such a sugary sweet voice that you could swear there is icing dripping of her lips
 (Maybe that's just her latest collagen injection?)

She smiles and greet you with a "How are you today?", as she glides down the hallway decorated in French Chic decor.
I reply "Fine" which is code for " I can't wait to get a duck billed shaped piece of metal shoved up my crotch"


We enter the room and I am offered a seat in a plush antique white chair that is wide enough for Marie Antoinette and her double wide dress to fit nicely in.

Everything is French in here- the Fleur da le is everywhere on the walls
 and the pictures are of innocent children playing in the streets of Paris.

 The lighting is chandelier style and even the computer cords are covered in twill fabric .

20 something then tells me a nurse will be with me in a minute.
I guess she was just the Vanna White escort for the waiting room.

There is a small dressing room behind white washed saloon style doors containing a small porcelain sink and a bench.
Is it me or is anyone else here thinking BROTHEL?


The nurse comes in accompanied by a medical student. (oh double joy)

Nurse:   Hey how are you?

Me   : Fine (insert code)

Nurse:   I see you didn't renew your hormone prescription but are still on the Lexapro. How is everything?

BIG PAUSE

Me:    "Um,,, well good except that I feel like crawling out of my own skin and everyone around me is being an  *hole."

Exchange glances btw med student and nurse.


Nurse;   " I see, well is there a reason you stopped the hormone?'

Me:   "Yes except it makes me want to bludgeon people on a frequent basis"

Nurse:  " Okay well I think we will run your hormones again and I think I have a few suggestions for you,

Me:   " Great as long as they give me some energy, pick up the libido, and help me remember that I am happy"

Nurse:  " Were medical professionals, not magicians. However I think testosterone will get you close."

Great !
1. I think everyone is an *hole
2. I want to hurt them and
3. Now I will have the strength to do it-

Sounds like a

WIN-WIN-WIN here

Is that a Charlie Sheen echo I hear? "Winning, Duh?
 Maybe He needs less testosterone.

So now on to the violation .

They hand me a fancy dinner napkin with a seersucker pattern on it and point to the Brothel doors.

Yes, we all know that we are barley covered in this situation  but the older I get there is more to cover, so to say the least I am not feeling my most secure.


I lay on the table and am asked various questions of distraction as she gropes my breasts in a manner that based in another setting I might enjoy.

You know a setting like ---My own man in my own bedroom.

We are so far from that right now.

I notice the med student blushing-great.

Then I am asked to scoot down to the edge of the table.

A little more ............little bit more .... all the way to the edge please

Geez lady....your in my hula hoop


She proceeds to goop me up and use the lovely duck bill crank
 and then with out fail she says

"Oh, I'm going to need the large please.' to the med student.

This happens to me every year. What the heck can't they mark my chart or something?
It would save me reinsertion and some humiliation.

I tell my husband this same story every year and
He always responds the same way " I know that's right."

As the mascara wand looking instrument impales my privates for the pap smear she says the inevitable:


"Relax"


See I told you it wasn't me - everyone is an  *hole!!!

I am Blog Hopping

Please know I am so not tech savvy  and I hope this works:

Countdown

The number of days until Africa-

and only 18 hours on the flight to read .


Anyone see a pattern here?

Africa -17 Days away

Well  Wed has come and gone  and I have done one project
A pitiful one........
I spray painted 3 candle holders form the dollar store .
That's it
My BIG  think off the I Want To List
Blah  
I have 5 more steps to go before the project is finished. 
Hey Rome wasn't built in a day!!

I have too much going on  and its good things!!

I spent Thursday  with Happy Mouth and preparing for Africa.

She has a beautiful hot pink trunk


filled with all things Africa!!

Baby wipes (for the only form of "shower" she can take)
2 packs of Wmart panties (they will go down the "hole"-not making the trip back)
Flashlight and extra batteries
Sleeping bag (deluxe sleeping accommodations in the tent)
Hand sanitizer (aka hand wash)
Bible (travel size to leave with the village)
Journal (So she can record all the adventure)
4 long dresses (respectable cultural dress)
Passport necklace (so she doesn't SET IT DOWN ANYWHERE)
Shock proof, water proof camera (in other words Happy Mouth Proof!!)
A international travel text plan (for the 2-5 days she will actually be in a service area)

That's is what is in her trunk

This is what is in her heart:

Passion (to go where God calls her)

Excitement (for all things new)

Adventure ("I will drink the blood clot -it is supposed to be good luck")
 Insert a horrific look on my face here.
and most importantly

Hope (void of all fear)

I think she will be fine.


I on the other hand  am accepting all tequila donations.

The Want to List

MY WANT TO LIST

• To get all my favorite pictures of the girls framed.
• Make a blackboard out of my small kitchen cabinet
• Reorganize my living room
• Hang all the family artwork in the hall
• Get pillows for the shams in my bedroom
• Read for one uninterrupted hour
• Play monopoly with my kids
• Record a Happy Song CD              

and that is for starters.  So I will let you know what I picked and I hope you all out there in blogland pick something you want to do and let me know about it!!

Need vs Want

There are very few things in life that I actually HATE.
I don't like lots of things,
I put up with or tolerate lots of things.

Like  horseflies.
I really do not like them
But I am sure God has a purpose for them  and He knows better than I.

Also people who speak   v e r y   s l o w l y   with a deep southern drawl.
I truly tolerate them  as I imagine stabbing my eyes out.

Anyway  what I truly HATE is............ paperwork.
Of any kind ---of any sort.

I know my name and address  why do I need to write it out 1,000 times for someone to copy it in triplicate?

I HATE insurance,, medical, and school forms.
The beginning of school makes me want to go Amish thanks to all the forms.
I live in a small town  
Ummm....they KNOW me.
 I am on my third child through this school.
The secretary and I lunch together a couple times a year. Geez!!!

But it is all required.
And because I HATE  it so much I put it off and off and off...............
until there is a mountain of it!!

So yesterday I finally have to face it  -
ALL of it.  BLAH!!

I would have rather have eaten bugs...okay chocolate covered bugs  but still.
We could play "Would You Rather"  and I would pick whatever was "Rather"
than paperwork.

So finally 3 hours later and a "Pretend I'm not home " moment when the Jehovah Witness woman came by and  I finished.

So I feel I must treat myself at this point.
This all falls into that category of doing what I  "have to do " instead of what I "want to do".

So I have decided to declare a "WANT TO" festival.

I am going to keep a list of things I have wanted to do and every Tuesday I WILL do them.

Why Tuesday?   Why not? 

It's a boring day and it needs some spice and I need some fun.
So check in tomorrow---

I invite you to join me  and do something fun you have been puttin' off
 and DO it and ENJOY it!!!

Just make sure it is paperwork free.

Father's Day

Mr. Rogers is the best daddy a girls could ask for.
And that is a good thing, considering he has 3 of them.
But today's post is about our fathers, Mr. Rogers and mine.

You see both of us have wonderful men that raised us.
They taught us about honesty, kindness and generosity.

They were living examples of hard work and high morals.
They showed us what sacrifice  and a patient attitude

They lived out a life of love, each in their own way, and passed it to us.

But the greatest thing that our father's each taught us was choice.

You see, as strange as it may seem, both Mr. Rogers and I have never met our biological fathers.

My father left us before I was born and his never stayed when he knew there was a pregnancy.

His mother married when he was 2.     My mother when I was 4

So the men who raised us, who protected us,
 who provided for us, are the very ones who didn't have to.

But they did.

They love us

because they choose to love us.

A real man chooses.
 A real father stays by that choice.

And we are forever grateful.